Like no one is watching...

Another good one from Daily Om:

Like No One Is Watching
Shake Your Tail Feathers – by Madisyn Taylor

Over time, we have learned to suppress some of the most fun aspects of our individuality.

Most of us express our distinctiveness in many ways throughout our lives. Although, as we proudly share our offbeat traits and preferences with the world, we take great pains to downplay those eccentricities we ourselves deem odd. Instead of living lives colored by these quirky impulses, we seek out socially acceptable outlets for our peculiarities. We may not realize that we are editing ourselves in this way because our individual societal awareness is unintentionally attuned to the attitudes of the people we encounter each day. Over time, we have learned to suppress some of the most fun aspects of individuality. To rediscover and embrace these buried traits, we need only ask ourselves what we would do if we knew for certain that no one would judge our choices.

Visualizing this day without judgment can help you better understand the idiosyncrasies that are an important part of who you are but seldom manifest themselves in your existence. Perhaps you secretly dream of replacing grown-up, conservative clothing in favor of a changing array of costumes. You may envision yourself painting your car electric-green, hugging the trees in a crowded local park, singing joyous songs as you skip through your community, or taking up an exciting hobby like fire spinning. Try not to be surprised, however, if your imagination takes you in unexpectedly simple directions. In your musings, you may see yourself doing things such as breaking out in dance or dying your hair a fun color. Regardless of the nature of your suppressed peculiarities, ask yourself what is really stopping you from making them a part of your life, and then resolve to incorporate at least one into your everyday existence.

Life as we know it is so short. Making the most of years we are granted is a matter of being ourselves even though we know that we will inevitably encounter people who disapprove of our choices. When you shake your tail feathers like no one is watching, you will discover that there are many others who appreciate you because you are willing to let go of any inhibition. By doing this you help others know it is okay. No one else in the world is precisely like you and, each time you revel in this simple fact, you rededicate yourself to the celebration of individuality.

Poised to move on...

This was in my email inbox today, from the Daily Om website.

Lots of food for thought here...

Poised to Move on
Aquarius Daily Horoscope

 

A thoughtful mind-set can put you in the mood to reflect upon your past today, and you may not be pleased with all you find in your personal history. Pain from long-forgotten wounds can assail you and even cause you to feel a renewed sense of bitterness. The very considerate point of view that inspired you to look backward today may also compel you to look forward, toward reconciliation. Whether you feel that this is the right time to reach out to those you clashed with in years gone by, or you would prefer to let such people remain in your past, you will likely find satisfaction and freedom in offering up your sincere forgiveness

We do not have to address each issue that contributed to the difficulties that were a part of the relationships we have found to be challenging over the years to let go of the pain we feel. When it comes time to move on, we need only forgive those whom we believe wronged us in some way before continuing forward with our lives. While these individuals may never know that we have absolved them of any responsibility—and indeed, we may not feel comfortable approaching them at all—something changes within us as we divest ourselves of any lingering pain. The ties that bound us to these hurtful experiences are dissolved, and we are free to leave them behind without retaining even the slightest ill will. You will feel more amenable to reconciliation today when you realize that all that is required of you is your ability to forgive.

Donnie, Jr.

While going through a few more boxes stacked in our garage from our move, I came across a doll I've had for more than 20 years. It's a Cabbage Patch Kid dressed in a New York Yankees uniform. One shoe and sock is missing and his uniform has mysterious brown stains on it, but I won't toss it for anything in the world.

The doll joined our family in 1985 (or thereabouts). My mom, who was a giant Yankees fan, had gotten it into her head that since I live and work in New York City, it would be a piece of cake to meet one of her favorite players, Don Mattingly, and eventually marry him. I thought she was joking and laughed, but she seemed fairly serious (or she has my type of sense of humor - the straight face not letting on that I'm actually joking). I became slightly alarmed, thinking she *was* serious about this. She made my dad drive us up to the neighborhood where her #1 favorite Yankee, Lou Piniella, lived, to see whether we could catch a glimpse of him mowing his lawn (as if!).

Around the time my mom starting telling me to find Don Mattingly and date him, the company that makes Cabbage Patch Kids came out with a line of dolls dressed in MLB uniforms. My two younger sisters and I combined our money and bought a New York Yankees doll to give our mom for Mother's Day. She loved it! She named the doll "Donnie, Jr." and propped him up next to her to watch Yankees games on TV. I thought the heat was off, but she continued to mention how pleased she would be if I would meet Donnie Baseball and date him. I finally told her he was married and that settled things. Besides, I never had a thing for Don Mattingly (no offense to him). The last Yankees crush I'd had at that time was Bucky Dent, and he hadn't worn pinstripes since 1978.

When my mom passed away in 1990, we went through the motions of dividing her belongings among my dad, my three sisters, brother and myself. I didn't really want anything, except for my mom's Timex watch... and Donnie Jr. I got both, along with some jewelry and clothing. The watch stopped working in 1995 but I still have it, along with little Donnie Baseball.

As I sit and think back on my mom's love for the Yankees and her wish for me to marry Don Mattingly, I finally have what may be a glimpse into her belief that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to doing. Until now, all that comes to me when I think about those years is how many times I failed my family and myself. I could go into details, but that will be for another blogpost, should I desire to actually write about it. 

Sitting here, I remember an aunt telling me, after my mother had passed, that she had been amazed at my independence at such a young age - traveling to New York City at age 19 to work at a Chinese take out, work for my older sister as a temporary secretary, land a radio show that broadcast down the Jersey shore, move into NYC at age 20 after landing a full-time job at a record company, singing in bands and seemingly having no fear. I remember being stunned at her revelation and promptly dismissed it as my aunt trying to sugar coat my mom's true feelings of disappointment. But then again, how could my aunt know about all of those things? I didn't keep in touch with her on a regular basis. We didn't have Facebook, internet or cell phones then. We had snail mail (who's got time to write a letter?) and phones (who's got the money to make long-distance calls?). 

It's taken so long for me to sit and look at myself without distain and disappointment that I squandered so much of my life away; to look back at my life and see the bright spots (as well as the dark ones) and see how everything has helped shape who I am today. I hope one day, I can see the positives in a brighter light.

2014: A new approach to goals

It's 2014, which means it's time to lay out goals for the new year. Last year, I resolved to NOT make any resolutions. It was freeing in one sense. In another, I felt as though I'd been cast adrift on a sea of indifference with no land in sight.

This year, I'm experimenting by making a list of goals (I REFUSE to use the word "resolutions") to aim for this year, to see whether I'll feel more motivated and less adrift in 2014. I welcome you to join me. Make your own list and let's check back in with each other each month to see how much we're accomplishing and how we feel about it.

Here goes:

1. Be more present for Ian to help motivate him to finish his senior year
2. Carve out more time to work on my novels
3. Be more pro-active in promoting my first novel - both with social media and setting up interviews (and accept help!)
4. Adhere to a better work schedule - ie, DON'T stay at work until 6 or 7pm at night!
5. Find a fitness program I will stick to!
6. Incorporate more healthy foods into my meals

These should be good to begin with.
I'll check in next month with an update. 
I look forward to seeing how you're doing, too.

2013: Some of my favorite segments

This morning, I woke up to learn that four segments I produced in 2013 for KING 5 New Day Northwest (aka: my day job) were included in the Top 5 segments that aired this year. While I'm proud of each and every segment I've produced in my nearly three years at the show, as well as the four included in the Top 5 list, I started thinking about guests and topics who really touched me in 2013. They may not have gotten as many shares or views, but they're definitely worth another look.

Here they are, in no particular order:

YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG (June 3, 2013) - students at Scriber Lake High School wrote and published a book of essays (title above) sharing some of their most painful experiences to date. Three of the students took part in the interview, while the rest of the student authors sat in the audience with their teacher Marjie Bowker and author mentor Ingrid Ricks. This segment is definitely worth another look - and the book is definitely worth reading.

SUPERHERO CREATOR AARON D'ERRICO (August 27, 2013) - Aaron D'Errico shared the inspiration behind his new superhero Ammon, as well as his search for an artist to bring his character and storyline to life. Watch the segment and prepare to be truly inspired. P.S. - Aaron is still looking for an artist (and is willing to PAY). If you know someone, send them my way.

MEDAL OF HONOR RECIPIENT, ARMY SSG TY CARTER (October 1) - Watch the segment. That's all I have to say. What an incredible human being.

FOREFRONT - a new suicide prevention organization (September 9) - University of Washington professor Jennifer Stuber and suicide prevention expert Sue Eastgard returned to New Day Northwest to introduce their new organization, which was created following the suicide of Jenn's husband, a prominent Seattle attorney. Watch the segment - then click on the link to watch the original segment, which Jenn insisted on doing the day before the one year anniversary of her husband's death. I have no words.

LOVE TO CHEER  (December 4) - Another powerful segment. This one features Everett Silvertips Assistant Coach (and former team captain) Mitch Love, who teamed up with The Everett Clinic to provide a respite for people undergoing treatment for depression and other mental health challenges. The "Love to Cheer" program pays tribute to one of Mitch's good friends and longtime Silvertips season ticket holder, who committed suicide last year. 

DREAMFEST (September 9) - Louie Galarza, better known as "Louie G" in music circles here, hosts an annual concert/fest at his famed pizzeria in Fife to benefit the Burned Children Recovery Foundation. Louie and Terry McCarty, a burn survivor who was helped by the BCRF (and is now a firefighter!) joined us for this memorable interview, as well as a stellar performance from two members of the band Amadon.

"Grimm" - Guess the Wesen game (October 24) - I had the privilege of interviewing Silas Weir Mitchell ("Monroe") and Russell Hornsby ("Hank") from "Grimm" when they were in Seattle early in the fall. In addition to the regular questions about the new season, we played a fun game of "Guess the Wesen," featuring a number of northwest notables. I won't spoil the surprise. You just have to watch (and let me know whether you agree).

DAVE COULIER (May 10) - SO. MUCH. FUN. Of course, who wouldn't love Uncle Joey from "Full House"? Plus, I got to sneak in a pic of him playing hockey as a kid, and he shared a story about his "good friend" Gordie Howe and his love of the Red Wings.

CHRISTOPHER KENNEDY LAWFORD (March 18) - I think what I love most about him is his open and honest approach to life, warts and all. No question was off limits. The most touching part happened after the show, when I overheard him calling his girlfriend to tell her how it went. He wrapped up the call by saying fervently, "I effing love you SO MUCH!" (he actually said "effing")

LAWYER MILLOY (November 12) - Forget the stellar college football career. Forget the Super Bowl ring & All Pro career with the New England Patriots. Lawyer opened up about his upbringing and the role his high school football coach played in helping keep him on a positive path. He also shared why he's giving all the proceeds from his 40th birthday bash to his high school football booster club. But his shock at receiving a birthday cake and having the audience sing to him completes this memorable segment.

JAY AND TRUDI INSLEE (October 3) - I'm not politically minded. I don't vote party line and never have. However, the chance to produce this segment featuring Washington's new Governor and First Lady was so much fun, mostly because no topic was off limits. And the pictures....

TONY JUNIPER (August 1) - This world-respected environmentalist (Prince Charles is a close friend and co-author) is the perfect person to teach us about the world around us. He speaks and writes in language even **I** can understand and absorb, and is interesting, to boot! 

AN INCREDIBLE STORY OF FORGIVENESS (October 3) - I didn't really "produce" this segment. I just kind of helped shape it. Our host, Margaret Larson, produced it. She traveled to Rwanda with Kari and Tom Costanza from World Vision, to document personal stories as the 20th anniversary of the 1994 genocides draws closer. They shared one of the powerful stories they captured, which illustrates the power of forgiveness in a way I don't know I'd have the strength to do.

Matching Purse and Shoes

This is my attempt at levity, because if I sink down any lower, I will end up in China (or whatever land mass is directly on the other side of the world from where I sit right now- I’m too lazy to look it up).

I found a photo of me dressed smartly in a light green spring coat, ruffly white hat, white socks, black mary janes and matching purse. As you can see, I look ever so thrilled to be a pint-sized fashion plate. This photo was among several of me dressed quite fashionably - and looking quite dour.

My mother tried. Oh, how she tried! She could have turned the photos of me into catalogs advertising smart clothes for tots. But among the smartly-dressed photos, are other snapshots. One features me wearing a frilly dress, plopped down in the middle of a dirt pile, white hat askew, legs splayed, a joyous grin on my face. Another shows me in a matching coat and hat (winter white, with rosebud buttons (gag). In one photo, I’m standing stiffly. In the next, I’m crying, my mouth wide open in a howl of misery. And so on. And so on. You get the picture.

I don’t know how old I was when my mother finally gave up on me. The photos stop after I reached age 8 or 9, so maybe then. No… wait. I remember a photo of a 10 year old me, hair cut in a shag, wearing a purple mini dress dotted with orange, yellow and white geometric shapes. I have white patent leather shoes and a goofy smile, hiding my true thoughts (“Kill me, please!”).

The last time my mother bought me anything frilly, the year was 1988. I was going to my first Grammy Awards, representing our small jazz & classical record company (one of our artists, Louie Bellson, was up for an Grammy <which he won>). The Grammys were taking place at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. My mom bought me this frothy concoction that fell to just below my knees. It was an iridescent green, sleeveless, v-neck, cinched waist, full, flowy skirt. I told her it didn’t fit and took it back to Macy’s to exchange it for a severe suit-dress. I convinced myself that it was more “practical” and that I could get several wears out of it. My mother was disappointed, but agreed that I had made a smarter choice.

The night of the Grammy's, I never felt so underdressed. I spent the entire evening longing for that frothy green dress. I longed for that dress even more when I found myself sharing the red carpet with U2 to walk from Radio City to the Hilton Hotel for the after party.

Oh, I got several wears out of that suit-dress. In fact, I still have it packed away. But I still think of what might have happened had I let myself be more feminine, for just one night, and wonder, what would it take now, for me to trade my jeans and t-shirt for a frothy green dress

A Charmed Life?

I've been sitting here, trying to work but instead, looking back at my life and all the mistakes I've made. I can see you nodding your head knowingly. You've sat where I sit, thinking about the times you fucked up something or another. Some of you may want to jump in now and tell me it's not good to look back in regret. Believe me when I say I don't really regret any decisions I've made. Wrong or right, my choices have helped shape the person who's sitting here right now, listening to Bonnie Raitt, Jackson Browne and Neil Young while ruminating about my past.

I thought about some of my more boneheaded decisions, like:

• the one night stand with a DJ at L'Amour that turned into a full-fledged "if I can't have you, no one else can" type of scary stalking situation (two of my bulkier friends had a "friendly" chat with the guy and convinced him he was better off forgetting about me); 
• being homeless for nearly 2 months with my friend Rebekah; squatting in a condemned building in alphabet city, which was fully furnished, although there was no electricity and only cold water (we got coffee and day-old bagels for free from the counter guy at the diner in Astor Place, who had a crush on Rebekah)
• holding a "package" for a guy who turned out to be connected to the mafia, but who, to me, was a very sweet friend who brought me exotic flowers "just because" and signed every card "I love ya lots and lots," even though we were never romantic (I never peeked inside the package and was extremely relieved when he showed up four nights later to retrieve it); 
• riding the subway home from Bay Ridge to Manhattan at 2am. This was the 80's and even though the Guardian Angels were out in full force, they couldn't be everywhere, especially at 2am on a Saturday night (I made it home safely); 
• overdosing on cocaine and having a grand mal seizure, even though I'm not epileptic, and having the friend I was with at the time run out on me (luckily, he ran smack into another friend who rushed me to the ER, where doctors saved me and told me how lucky I was I didn't die that night);
• being the "other woman" in an extremely unhealthy relationship for nearly two years (the guy's fiancee stopped me in the street and announced, "since he started seeing you, he's stopped seeing all the other girls. If I had to choose between sharing him with the other woman or sharing him with you, I choose you." To which I replied, "you're really fucked up." and walked away. I stayed with him another six months after that confrontation)
• having crushes on guys who knew, but never took advantage of me. In fact, some became protective of my naivete and did their best to keep me out of trouble.
• being propositioned by several guys in bands and turning them down with no hard feelings (I later learned that one of those guys died of AIDS - we'll never know whether he was infected at the time)
• walking away from a car accident that should have killed me, sporting serious but not life-threatening injuries (not being melodramatic here; those were the detective's exact words)
• I can think of a number of other things to add to this list, but I think you get the idea. 

One common thread I see when I walk down Memory Lane is how I emerged pretty unscathed by every experience. Okay, I still carry some emotional scars, but physically, I am pretty intact. 

But how? How did I not fall victim to muggers, rapists, the mafia (or worse)? 

I honestly have no idea. 

But as I sit here, my feelings about the mistakes I've made are transforming into gratitude for the way things turned out. I'm a bit battle-scarred and there are some things I'll never learn to let go of, but on the whole, I'm healthy, fairly sane and have a enough memories and material to fill a couple of bookshelves.

One day, I'll learn who I should thank for this charmed life.